Fantastic..

Is my very nearly three year old's word of the week, and also how I feel after losing an amazing three pounds this week and giving me my 5% award. Yay!
This is such a turn round of affairs after my wobble last week where I gained 1.5 pounds, cancelled my monthly pass and generally felt quite sorry for myself.
I guess the biggest NSV ever is that I DID go to weigh in last week despite knowing I had gained and sticking to it and getting back on track. It is oh so easy to slide down that slippery slope into bad habits and weight gain.
Only 1.5 more pounds needed to go until my next silver seven...hoping for next week but then I do have my very nearly 3 year old's birthday party to get through..cake is baking in the oven as I type and smells delish...but I didn't lick the bowl or beaters!!!!

Kick up the arse needed

Oh dear..oh dear oh dear oh dear....fell off the wagon big style this week. And all because I sampled my daughter's trial birthday cake. That was it:one taste of the evil sugar & fat and my body goes into some kind of frenzy seeking out and craving sugar to the extent that is actually pretty scary.
I don't care at the time.. I need it at the time, but after, like now...I feel awful. Bloated, ashamed, disgusted and a total failure.
I am determined that tomorrow morning heralds a new and fresh start. I am going to WI at home now, money is tight for us (we are in an IVA and planning a wedding) but will get Shawn to weigh me so I can't cheat and not weigh in.
I have seen a gorgeous wedding dress on eBay...the girl who wore it is a titchy 5 foot 2 like me, so I just need to slim into it a bit, and not worry about having it taken up. I am the winning bidder at the moment and it is just what I dreamed of. What better motivation to shift the weight, get into shape and look a million dollars. Fingers crossed the dress stays within my budget - trying that on every week and seeing it get a better fit each week would be a brilliant motivator for me.

Slow and steady

wins the race, so people say. I am looking back at my earlier moans about not losing more than 2 pounds in the first couple of weeks, and feeling a bit daft really. I know in previous weight loss attempts after the initial couple of weeks of good losses it did slow right down, a pound or half a pound a week being normal.
I am pleased to report another 2 pound loss this week - yay. This is despite going over by 17 points over a couple of days early in the week - but I did point everything religiously and clawed the points back over the week in time for weigh in - and it worked! I am well chuffed with my 2 pounds a week loss that I am experiencing, maybe it will really stay off this time as it is a much steadier and regular pace.
Some thoughts on points...the plan WW have at the moment is still the points we all know and love, but is different to points in the past. There is a quiz for starters to work out how many points you need to have, before it used to be based on weight. I was also told upoin joining that I could think in terms of points in a day or points in a week - but after the week the points saved were gone. This time the plan works on points a day, you can save a maximum of 4 - any over that don't count on the online tracker.
Well, I lost 46.5 pounds doing points the old way, and saw people lose loads more, so I know the plan works that way. Generally I do have the points in a day, but my experience over the pst few weeks and that of the famous Wendi Plan Wendi, is that points in a week works pretty damn well too.
Not done much exercising at all this week, due to knackering my ankle. It is all puffy and actually makes me feel a bit quesy when the OH tries rubbing it better. Not sure when I will get back on track with the exercise - I don't want to make the ankle worse and it was jogging on the treadmill that did it. At least I am still pointing and the weight is moving downwards.
I can really tell now that I am losing weight - clothes are much looser and family are starting to comment. I love this stage, where your hard work is rewarded by real results. It makes it easier to continue.
I think I have read before that the first 3 weeks are crucial in a diet - after that time it becomes a habit. I think I would agree, pointing and getting my tracker and points calculator are second nature to me now (again) I have longed to be in this mindset for so long - and here I am - and reaping the rewards!
Until next time...

Pretty good week

Had a pretty decent week - whoo! I have been plodding away on the treadmill and I have gone from jogging for 2 minutes at a time until 5. Not a very long time granted, but a hell of a lot better than 2 minutes - which is pretty pants. I am doing a sort of interval training I suppose, some brisk walking, jogging, walking up hill, with a couple of mins here and there at a slower pace to take on some water.

I am even thinking I would love to be able to run, rather than walk, the Race for Life next summer. It is nearly a year away so I will be a lot slimmer and much fitter - so maybe it is a realistic goal. I'd love to do it for my Dad, who was diagnosed with cancer a few months back.

Weigh In was good this week- another 2 pounds off, making 9 in total - yay! My leader was back from her hols, but you know, I much preferred the leader who we had standing in for her. Not that I don't ike my leader, she seems very pleasant - but the stand in was so vibrant and motivating, going round the room asking everyone in turn how they got on.

I do think the right leader is crucial to weight loss success. One of the factors behind me quitting when I was doing so well before is that the leader was so money focussed - I was really close, I know now, to getting my 50 pound certificate, but she never mentioned it. I honestly think if I had known of these extra rewards I would have kept going...I felt my achievement was nothing to her, that she wasn't in the least bit proud of me. I know being proud of myself should have been enough and now it would be, and having Shawn be proud of me too of course, but back then I was single with no kids and I wanted her to just have a few words of encouragement at least.

Ah well...onwards and downwards!

Seventh Heaven

Yay! Despite feeling as bloated as a bloaty thing I managed a one pound loss and that first, precious silver seven of this weight loss campaign. Feeling well chuffed with that.

OH and I had take out last night as a result of our dear darling little girl tipping paint all down the stairs and us not getting it clean until quite late, too late to cook dinner at that point.

You know what though, I would usually be stressing saying "I have broken my diet" and then promptly seek solace in a packet of bourbon biscuits, but this time I went to my Eating Out Guide wrote down the points and have worked out how many I need to be under by each day to pay for it back. I have got a whole week after all, and I will be exercising regularly so I don't see it as a problem at all.

I am pleased that I actually seem to be developing an almost normal and healthy attitude towards food and eating for the first time in my adult life. Even when I lost 50 pounds before I was obsessive - weighing myself constantly and describing foods as good or bad. I think I really am properly in recovery now, and that is worth more than the pretty shiny silver seven I have on my membership card.

Onwards and Downwads..

Weigh In Three

And another two pounds off - yay! I know I was a bit gutted at 2 pounds for the first 2 weeks, but to continue at this pace would be fantastic. I need one more pound for my first silver seven and for the first of my many mini goals to be achieved.

Treated myself to the weight watchers pedometer at my meeting last night and when I got back I went on the treadmill for 45 minutes and in that time I had gone past healthy and had earned 0.5 bonus points.

Loving the treadmill. I am looking at it now, folded up in space saver mode and it is reminding me very much of the monolith from 2001, A Space Oddysey. It is in front of the window at the back and is standing upright - like a huge black slab. I kind of expect some apes bashing bones to come leaping out of it to the tune of dah dah dah DAH DAAAH - bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum.

Really hoping it will work wonders and speed up the weight loss process, tone some wobbly bits and get the old ticker working a bit better. Gotta love Freecycle!

From the mouths of babes

Kids..gotta love 'em. I was doing the good motherly thing of looking through some books with my two toddler girls the other morning, in particular the Usborne First Thousand Words book. It had a picture of two sumo wrestlers. My eldest little girl got very excited and was bouncing up and down on the bed saying "look,mummy! it's you and daddy!" - I had to laugh, as really it was pretty funny. All the more motivation to get slim and healthy though - so my little girls can be proud of their old mum!

In other news - got a free, yes free, treadmill from Freecycle. Googled it and it appears to be worth £1,300. They said the belt was slipping and they couldn't use it, but all it needed was a new drive belt which cost £3.65. Went on it last night for an hour and it was FAB! It has pre set programmes, ones you can set yourself, a really long and wide running deck, automatic incline adjustment, cup holder and displays speed, distance, calories burnt and heart rate. I am really, really chuffed with it and I know it is going to work wonders in helping me to achieve my weight loss and fitness goals.

And I tell you what, my achey knee joints which had been so bad I had to shuffle upstairs like an old woman rather than stride up to avoid pain, are much, much better. Maybe doing some exercise will help strengthen them up.

Weigh In tonight - really hoping for a silver seven (3 pounds off needed) but I know given that it has been 2 pound a week for the last 2 weeks that might be a big ask. Will blog later with the result.

Until then...

The inevitable happened

Well I knew it would happen sooner or later. The binge monster reared its ugly head and instead of slaying it with my weapons of points calculator and tracker I allowed it to consume me.

I suppose the physical damage is slight really. I have had a good rest of week and had some exercise. The food I ate was low in fat - just higher in qty than I wanted or intended.

The OH kindly bought me some lovely weight watchers cakes, but I don't think I am far along enough in my recovery to have been able to cope with them. One this afternoon during an energy slump and worn out from battling kids turned into, I think, four in total. Followed by a Muller Light yoghurt.

Yes I know points wise it isn't that bad - I can recover from it by clawing back a few points over the next few days and earning bonus points...but it is the fact I weakened. I am upset with myself for doing it, even though I knew, as a sufferer of compulsive over eating/ binge eating disorder it would happen.

The positives from this are: I stopped. I could have carried on, but didn't. I didn't binge on unhealthy high fat, greasy items. I am writing about my feelings straight away to get back on track and get some sense of order and control back.

I know I will be dreading weigh in onWednesday now..and will try and make excuses not to go - but go I bloody well should. As my leader said last week "that's what we are here for"

Until next time...

Weigh In Number Two

I was still feeling a bit disappointed about only having a 2 pound loss last week, but set off to meeting full of enthusiasm and hoping for a good result.
Well the results were good - a 2 pound loss - but I am still puzzled and a bit annoyed that the weight losses I used to get when I was younger and before I had the girls seem to have left me.
That said, if I can carry on at this pace I will be really chuffed. I did find myself working out how long it would take me to get my 50 pound certificate, let alone goal, and felt a bit gutted it wouldn't be this year - but then I told myself it was better to be 50 pounds off in January rather than the same or, as would have been more likely, even heavier.
On another note, I did a lot of walking today - an hours brisk walk around the village, a walk to the shops and back and to meeting and back. Money is tight at the moment,but the OH gets paid today (I am a stay at home mum) and so I will be able to get the WW pedometer next week. I think that will really motivate me to do more steps and be more active in general.
OH says we can do some walks over the weekend, maybe round Rutland Water or the local woods - that would be good. Girls will enjoy it too.

Weight Loss Equivalents

I found this on the weight watchers 5+ message boards - thanks to Payton for posting originally. So I need to lose between a Ewe and a fashion model - ah, the wonderful whacky world of Weight Watchers. Weigh in later so shall see if I have moved from my rack of baby ribs loss!

1 pound = a Guinea Pig
2 pounds = a rack of baby back ribs
3 pounds = an average human brain
4 pounds = an ostrich egg
5 pounds = a Chihuahua
6 pounds = a human’s skin
7.5 pounds = an average newborn
8 pounds = a human head
10 pounds= An average Gallon of paint
11 pounds = an average housecat
12 pounds = a Bald Eagle
15 pounds = 10 dozen large eggs (or 120 eggs)
16 pounds = a sperm whale’s brain
20 pounds = a car tyre
22 pounds = 200 golf balls
24 pounds = a 3-gallon tub of super premium ice
25 pounds = an average 2 year old
26 pounds = average weight of a Koala Bear
30 pounds = Average Vacuum Cleaner
31 pounds = Average amount of manure produced by a horse each day
33 pounds = a cinder block
36 pounds = a mid-size microwave
40 pounds = a 5-gallon bottle of water or an average human leg
44 pounds = an elephant’s heart
50 pounds = a small bale of hay
55 pounds = a 5000 BTU air conditioner
60 pounds = an elephant’s peni$ (yep, weights more than his heart!)
65 pounds = Lotus Mk3 – Aluminium Body Shell
68 pounds = 40” Sony Bravia Widescreen TV
70 pounds = an Irish Setter
77 pounds = a gold brick
80 pounds = the World’s Largest Ball of Tape
90 pounds = a newborn calf
100 pounds = a 2 month old horse
110 pounds = Mature Rough Fell Ewe
117 pounds = an average fashion model (and she’s 5’11”)
118 pounds = the complete Encyclopaedia Britannica
120 pounds = amount of trash you throw away in a month
130 pounds = a newborn giraffe
140 pounds = Ricky Hatton (Boxer / May 2009)
144 pounds = an average adult woman (and she’s 5’4”)
150 pounds = the complete Oxford English Dictionary
187 pounds = an average adult man
200 pounds = Vespa Moped
235 pounds = Arnold Schwarzenegger
300 pounds = an average football lineman
400 pounds = a Welsh pony

Motivation

Motivation is a major issue for dieters - so here is what keeps me going to meetings:

I chose the monthly pass option - classes are paid for in advance so I want to get my money's worth.

I come on the weight watchers message boards for daily for support and motivation. There are some really inspiring stories out there.

I track everything I eat in advance - up to my daily points allowance in the 12 week tracker, so I don't want to binge or snack on anything else as I have already written and planned everything.

I have set mini goals - about 38 of them including getting to 5% and 10%, each silver seven and stone, getting under 200 pounds, 50, 75 & 100 pound certificates, BMI under 40, BMI under 30 and BMI under 25 etc. This breaks it up for me and keeps me focussed.

I think of the tattoo I would like, the nice clothes I would want to wear, of being able to wear a dress and skirt in the summer withough my thighs rubbing and chaffing.

I think how out of breath even a small amount of exercise leaves me, and how I make up excuses to not do things as I know I might not be able to physically do it - even though if I were slim I would jump at the chance.

I think how my weight has dominated my life for the worse, how lacking in self conifdence I am.

I think how much my joints ache, how hot and uncomfy I am in the summer, how many clothes I have that don't fit me and even they aren't cute or sexy. I think of my two little girls, how they deserve a fit and active mum, a mum who will be alive to raise them - not a mum who they will have to bury and be left heartbroken in their formative years. I think of my Dad who has cancer and again how I want to minimise my risk of serious illness.

And I pick myself up, walk out of that door and go to my meeting. I owe it to myself and my loved ones .

First weigh in proper

Had my first proper weigh in and I am a bit disappointed. I only l ost two pounds. I usually (bit of an old hand at weight watchers and diets in general) lose around 4-6 pounds in my first week. I don't know if there was still some weight to go on from holiday the 10 days before, or maybe because I haven't been eating all my points.

From reading the weight watchers members boards (which are a fab support system) it seems it is important to eat all your daily allowance, that they have been designed and allocated to be the right amount and going too far under can fool your body into thinking it is in starvation mode.

So, from yesterday (day one week two) I ate up to my 24 points limit. I put more points into my breakfast and had a change of meal for dinner.

Also going to do a little bit of exercise.Only a very little bit for now as I suffer with joint pains and aches as it is and I get very out of breath with a racing heart very quickly. Hoping to increase little by little over the coming weeks.

The facts and figures.

Well, my new year start didn't qork - at all...so I decided that I just can't go it alone and so back to weight watchers I went last week ( 8th July)

I weighed in at Weight Watchers at 16 stone 13 pounds. Or, if you are American 237 pounds. I am 5 foot 2 so that makes me morbidly obese. It is scary to have that word attached to your state of health. Obese is bad enough, but morbidly obese..shit, it scares me.

Some facts and figures

Start weight: 16 stone 131 (237 pounds)
Start BMI: 43.3

Ideal weight for my height is between: 7.13 and 9.11

SO..the goal - 8.13 (or 114 pounds)

It is pretty well in the middle of the healthy weight range for my height too

I know this isn't going to come off overnight, hell it has taken years to go on. I am hoping in a year to be fitter and healthier, but realistically I think I am looking at 18 months to get down to goal. Or 78 weeks.

So - bring it on!!

Some history

Like most years, I decided my New Year's resolution would be to lose weight. Unlike most years however, I will end this year lighter, healthier and happier.

I know the road won't be easy..but the longest journey starts with a single step, and I have taken my first baby steps on my way to being the me I want to be.

I have battled with an eating disorder for several years now, more than I care to remember honestly. I am a compulsive over eater, or binge eater. I eat until I feel sick. I eat whatever I can get my hands on, I eat in secret, hiding the evidence, lying to those who love me. Food consumes most of my waking thoughts and is my best friend and worse enemy combined.

I think this all started in earnest (the eating disorder I mean) when I was in my teens. I was always on the chubby side as a baby and kid, but looking back at photos now I realise I really wasn't ever as big as I thought I was. I wish I could go back to the me in those photos and tell me how beautiful and special I was and not to think otherwise and seek solace in food..or punish myself with food, as ultimately, that is what I feel I do when I binge.

Anyway, I was probably 17 or so and started my first part time job in a local supermarket. I was working alongside a cute lad who lived near me and I developed a huge crush on him..I hoped he felt the same, really thought he felt the same and after months of him offering me a lift and being friends we finally shared a kiss on one new year's eve.

We became inseperable after that and saw each other all the time. Food became a big part of that, he introduced me to Chinese food, Indian food (I had never eaten either before we started going out) and we would go to the cinema with popcorn and chocolate, drive to the drive through McDonalds and grab something to eat before we just drove somewhere off into the night doing what teenagers do. We would share big bags of crisps during drives during the day, or while playing video games. Looking back now we never did anything active together, we just hung out and ate a lot.

I guess my weight shot up during this time, but I didn't weigh myself..I just knew clothes were getting past snug and slung into the wardrobe as unwearable. I didn't care, I just got a bigger size. I was happy and in love!

We both went on to college/uni after school and stayed together for a time. being away from home for the first time resulted in my eating crap. Missing Paul like mad resulted in me eating crap and being together with Paul at weekends resulted in me eating crap.

Things continued like this for a time but I eventually got the feeling he didn't feel the same anymore. I confronted him one day and he agreed he didn't love me anymore. Just to punish myself further I asked if he still fancied me and he said "no". We broke up and I was heartbroken.

That very same night I remember I ate and ate and ate. Perhaps it was to numb the pain, fill the void or as a reminder of happier times as part of a couple. I don't know..I just know I ate a hell of a lot, on my own, in secret where I don't recall ever doing before.

So I was already bigger from being with him and the breakup just made things worse. I think when I did finally weigh myself it was a staggering 16 pounds 4. I vowed I would never be that heavy again.

I did have some success, getting down to about 13 stone and I basically went between 12 and 14 stones for years..depending on how I was feeling, how my relationships were going. The eating disorder was still there and I still had many days where I would eat a scary amount of food, but I could usually pull myself together and get back on track.

Things really changed when I had my kids. I was about 12 stone when I met Shawn..still overweight for my 5' 2" frame - but again looking back I didn't look too bad at all. History kind of repeated itself with me being happy again (I had come out of a horrendous relationship) and the weight did creep up as Shawn took me out and treated me well.

I fell pregnant in December 2005 and was about 14 stone 4 when I went for my booking in appointment..my heaviest for a a while. You aren't supposed to diet when pregnant and as morning sickness avoided me and the constant hunger got to me the weight did pile on. I weighed in after having Molly and weighed 16 stone 1. I was heartbroken, fat, sleep deprived and miserable.

It took me a while to get going but by February 2007 I was 25 pounds lighter and feeling much happier and confident. Molly was sleeping through and things were great. Then we had a bolt from the blue. I was pregnant again.

This hit me hard, Molly wasn't even 6 months old, I had lost 25 pounds I didn't feel mentally, emotionally or financially ready for another baby..but I couldn't face a termination..so we agreed to go ahead with the pregnancy.

I found this pregnancy really tough. I didn't bond with the baby at all and was diagnosed with ante natal depression, I resented the baby, felt it was getting in the way of me getting on with my life and weight loss. Again, I couldn't lose weight really while pregnant and pregnancy makes me HUNGRY!

After Rhi was born I weighed 15 stone 7. Better than after Molly, but still heavy for me in recent history. Of course, I bonded with RHi and loved her just as much as I did Molly..but she was a difficult baby...nursing all the time (which made me super hungry) and was a lousy sleeper. Having two close together..2 babies really..was tough on me and I turned to food. My binging really started getting out of hand and the weight was piling on.

I managed to lose a few pounds, gain it back, lose a few, gain it back for most of 2008. I guess I am pleased I didn't put on more in total given the amount of rubbish I have put in my mouth last year.

So - a new year beckoned and a new determination to shift the blub and get fit and healthy for ME and for my girls.