Some history

Like most years, I decided my New Year's resolution would be to lose weight. Unlike most years however, I will end this year lighter, healthier and happier.

I know the road won't be easy..but the longest journey starts with a single step, and I have taken my first baby steps on my way to being the me I want to be.

I have battled with an eating disorder for several years now, more than I care to remember honestly. I am a compulsive over eater, or binge eater. I eat until I feel sick. I eat whatever I can get my hands on, I eat in secret, hiding the evidence, lying to those who love me. Food consumes most of my waking thoughts and is my best friend and worse enemy combined.

I think this all started in earnest (the eating disorder I mean) when I was in my teens. I was always on the chubby side as a baby and kid, but looking back at photos now I realise I really wasn't ever as big as I thought I was. I wish I could go back to the me in those photos and tell me how beautiful and special I was and not to think otherwise and seek solace in food..or punish myself with food, as ultimately, that is what I feel I do when I binge.

Anyway, I was probably 17 or so and started my first part time job in a local supermarket. I was working alongside a cute lad who lived near me and I developed a huge crush on him..I hoped he felt the same, really thought he felt the same and after months of him offering me a lift and being friends we finally shared a kiss on one new year's eve.

We became inseperable after that and saw each other all the time. Food became a big part of that, he introduced me to Chinese food, Indian food (I had never eaten either before we started going out) and we would go to the cinema with popcorn and chocolate, drive to the drive through McDonalds and grab something to eat before we just drove somewhere off into the night doing what teenagers do. We would share big bags of crisps during drives during the day, or while playing video games. Looking back now we never did anything active together, we just hung out and ate a lot.

I guess my weight shot up during this time, but I didn't weigh myself..I just knew clothes were getting past snug and slung into the wardrobe as unwearable. I didn't care, I just got a bigger size. I was happy and in love!

We both went on to college/uni after school and stayed together for a time. being away from home for the first time resulted in my eating crap. Missing Paul like mad resulted in me eating crap and being together with Paul at weekends resulted in me eating crap.

Things continued like this for a time but I eventually got the feeling he didn't feel the same anymore. I confronted him one day and he agreed he didn't love me anymore. Just to punish myself further I asked if he still fancied me and he said "no". We broke up and I was heartbroken.

That very same night I remember I ate and ate and ate. Perhaps it was to numb the pain, fill the void or as a reminder of happier times as part of a couple. I don't know..I just know I ate a hell of a lot, on my own, in secret where I don't recall ever doing before.

So I was already bigger from being with him and the breakup just made things worse. I think when I did finally weigh myself it was a staggering 16 pounds 4. I vowed I would never be that heavy again.

I did have some success, getting down to about 13 stone and I basically went between 12 and 14 stones for years..depending on how I was feeling, how my relationships were going. The eating disorder was still there and I still had many days where I would eat a scary amount of food, but I could usually pull myself together and get back on track.

Things really changed when I had my kids. I was about 12 stone when I met Shawn..still overweight for my 5' 2" frame - but again looking back I didn't look too bad at all. History kind of repeated itself with me being happy again (I had come out of a horrendous relationship) and the weight did creep up as Shawn took me out and treated me well.

I fell pregnant in December 2005 and was about 14 stone 4 when I went for my booking in appointment..my heaviest for a a while. You aren't supposed to diet when pregnant and as morning sickness avoided me and the constant hunger got to me the weight did pile on. I weighed in after having Molly and weighed 16 stone 1. I was heartbroken, fat, sleep deprived and miserable.

It took me a while to get going but by February 2007 I was 25 pounds lighter and feeling much happier and confident. Molly was sleeping through and things were great. Then we had a bolt from the blue. I was pregnant again.

This hit me hard, Molly wasn't even 6 months old, I had lost 25 pounds I didn't feel mentally, emotionally or financially ready for another baby..but I couldn't face a termination..so we agreed to go ahead with the pregnancy.

I found this pregnancy really tough. I didn't bond with the baby at all and was diagnosed with ante natal depression, I resented the baby, felt it was getting in the way of me getting on with my life and weight loss. Again, I couldn't lose weight really while pregnant and pregnancy makes me HUNGRY!

After Rhi was born I weighed 15 stone 7. Better than after Molly, but still heavy for me in recent history. Of course, I bonded with RHi and loved her just as much as I did Molly..but she was a difficult baby...nursing all the time (which made me super hungry) and was a lousy sleeper. Having two close together..2 babies really..was tough on me and I turned to food. My binging really started getting out of hand and the weight was piling on.

I managed to lose a few pounds, gain it back, lose a few, gain it back for most of 2008. I guess I am pleased I didn't put on more in total given the amount of rubbish I have put in my mouth last year.

So - a new year beckoned and a new determination to shift the blub and get fit and healthy for ME and for my girls.